Keep the flames of passion under control. Image: London Fire Brigade

The London Fire Brigade, so used to tackling fires with the colour red, have been dousing the flames of passion roused by the film Fifty Shades of Grey and the St Valentine’s Day weekend.

Their latest message to those who overdo the flowers and candles has been: ‘Candles are lovely, romance ain’t dead! But make sure you blow them out, before you go to bed!’

Their Twitter feed is normally an information back up service for the public and media- keeping Londoners up to date with news of fire appliances and firefighters responding to fires, road accidents, and even horses sinking in marshland.

In a campaign titled ‘Fifty Shades of Red’ the brigade have found a witty though perhaps rather unsubtle method of launching a proactive public safety campaign.

In short, rings should remain on fingers rather than stiffening dimensions of the human anatomy, toasters are for toasting bread rather than you know what, handcuffs should be used by the police for detaining suspects accused of serious crime rather than operating as kinky extensions to bedsteads, vacuums should be reserved for preserving food or sucking up the dust- not genitals, and empty bottles of mineral water should remain….empty.

The red lights of the London Fire Brigade should be flashing for emergencies that do not leave red faces.

In 2013-14 LFB spent £137,000 removing objects from people or people from objects.

Using the new techniques of ‘data journalism’- so that coloured graphs and fancy shapes symbolically illustrate the implications of chafing statistics- LFB says: ‘These figures are enough to make your eyes water. Time for some common sense.’

You might want to know the busiest London Borough for fifty shades of red call-outs…or not.

For those of you in Bromley who have unorthodox uses for human tools, the London Fire Brigade has a tool for you: